Sunday, June 06, 2010

Hopes, Dreams and Letting Them Go

This post is sort of two stories mashed together, so I apologize if it gets a little long.

This post has been rambling around in my head for some time. It was a hard one to write as most people do not know the first part of the story. If you are family or a close friend, I apologize for not telling you before this. It is however an awkward subject that I did not know how to bring up. However, looking back I wish I would have told more people so that I would have more support during that time.

It all started in September. September 28th to be exact. That is the day that I had a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited to be expanding our family. I had really hoped with this one that I could have a v-bac so I called a doctor that has researched having v-bacs after 2 c-sections and set up an appointment. For the first few weeks everything was going great. We decided to wait to tell the kids and the majority of our family and friends. I was so surprised that I had not been hit by morning sickness, but I was not complaining. In fact, I think I even thanked the Lord for blessing me with one pregnancy without it!

All of that changed when I woke up October 12. I went to the bathroom and noticed a very small amount of spotting. Telling myself it was nothing to worry about I went back to bed. However, throughout the day the spotting continued to get worse. I tried to call my new doctor's office and couldn't get through so when my husband got home we decided to go to the ER. It was there that my worst fears were confirmed. The baby was gone. He had stopped growing around 3-4 weeks. Right about the time that I found out I was pregnant.

One of the things that still makes me mad about the whole thing was when I went for a follow-up appointment with the new doctor and the ultrasound tech told me that "it wasn't really a baby yet anyway, just a clump of cells." Really! You tell me that, as I am sitting here grieving that I didn't just lose a baby. That it was just a clump of cells. I was so shocked and angry that I couldn't speak. I just sort of looked at her. I wish I would have said something, anything about how that wasn't correct.

Fast forward to January 7. There was a blood drive at our church that weekend, so on Thursday I decided to take a test just to be sure. It was positive and I was ecstatic! However, I was also full of fear. After experiencing that loss, I was so afraid it was going to happen again. I remember praying that I would get morning sickness so I would know everything was okay. (Stupid prayer request!) I was sort of holding my breath for that first 6 weeks. I made it past that, had my first appointment but still couldn't breathe. I was still overcome with fear. I knew of a couple of people who had recently lost their babies at 12 weeks so I felt like I just needed to get past that.

My first appointment came and I had all my previous records for my new doctor so that he could evaluate if I was a good candidate for the v-bac. Unfortunately, Alexander threw a wrench in that plan. Since I was already in labor with him and he was engaged they had a hard time getting him out so they made a vertical incision. A vertical incision increases the chances of rupture so the doctored said without knowing how big that incision was he wouldn't feel comfortable with a v-bac, but ultimately the decision was up to me. I was a little devastated. I really had to wrestle with this decision. I understand the c-section with Hannah, it was needed in order to get her out safely and worth it to have a healthy little girl. With Alex, it is a much different story. I wanted a v-bac with him but the doctor wouldn't let me. I did not have a choice. So when I went into labor on my own I feel like I should have pushed to just let it progress. I was already 4 centimeters when I got checked it with regular contractions and it was over 2 hours before the c-section took place. Looking back I wish I would have asked to be checked again to see if I had progressed anymore. Regardless, he was stuck and they made the vertical incision.

Now it was time to decide. It had been my dream to have a natural childbirth since getting pregnant the first time. Now I had to decide what was worth more; my dream or a healthy baby. How could I possible say that my dream of a chance at a natural childbirth was more important than ensuring the health of my baby. I knew if something were to happen I would not be able to live with myself so I decided to go with another c-section. I figured God had a reason for all of this, maybe my body couldn't handle the v-bac. I had to let go of "my dreams". It was not an easy decision, however I knew it was the right one. So, switched back to my other doctor who was much more personable!

I had to wait until I was almost 16 weeks for my second appointment which seemed like torture. However, it was through that that I realized my fear was taking hold of me. I needed to just let it go and turn my baby over to God. He was in control after all. I wrestled with that on and off over the next couple of weeks until I made the decision that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy. I was so engulfed with fear that I was not enjoying it. That made a big difference. The fear still pops up every now and then, but I think it makes me enjoy the pregnancy even more. I take nothing for granted.

June original due date. I should have a baby in my arms right now. It is hard to picture that. I am sad by the fact that my arms are empty right now, but then I would be choosing that baby over this one. How can I chose that?


Sam said...

Catie, this is such a beautiful post, straight from your heart. I didn't realize yesterday was your due date. Praise God that you will get to hold your baby in September! And that God will reunite you with your lost child in Heaven.

Emily said...

I am so sorry for the loss you experienced. What a horrible thing for that u/s tech to say! I completely understand your desire for a natural childbirth - I would prefer a vbac myself, but after 2 c-sections, there are no doctors around who will give the okay. It is definitely a difficult dream to give up. I am just a week behind you - 24 weeks this week! So happy for you and your family on the impending new arrival!

Lisa said...

Catie, Glad to see you again on the blog and I what a powerful posts. WOW. What a tough several months you've had. It's so exciting that you're adding to your family. YAY!!

Made to Mother said...

Catie, I stumbled upon your blog today. I know that it was God's timing, because I needed the pick-me-up. It sounds strange considering what I have just read, but my experience was very similar to yours. I have two girls that are a huge blessing to me. I had a difficult time getting pregnant after my first child. We were so excited when we finally found out that we were expecting again. We decided we would wait until our ninth week to announce the pregnancy to our friends and church family. The Wednesday after our announcement, we lost the baby. The doctor that saw us (also a new one to me) was about 9 months pregnant and tried to tell me that I was not as far along as 3 months. I was just in their office on Friday for a check-up and everything was fine, so I knew she didn't even look at my chart. I could not believe that anyone carrying a child could be so cold about the loss I just suffered. God did bless me with another daughter in his own time. The day I found out I was expecting, a good friend told me this from her own experience, "If God would have chose to give me the child I lost, I would not have my daughter." It seemed strange at the time, but I understand now. God has blessed me with a beautiful, all be her rambunctious, little girl. My heart still remembers and loves the child I lost, but I know that baby is safe with Jesus. He had another child in mind for me. One that I admit was starting to wear me down and out today. So you see, I needed the reminder that she is a precious gift that God chose especially for my care. So thank you for your honesty. May you be truly blessed with this new bundle of joy.