Monday, June 07, 2010

This Pregnancy

In my pitiful blog neglect haze, I realized I have not yet blogged about this pregnancy. Um, I am 25 weeks pregnant.....seriously. Sorry peanut, you know third child and all.

During the first trimester I was so, so sick. Sicker than I have ever been with any of my other pregnancies. So sick that I could not move off of the couch without getting sick. I was so miserable! At first I thought I was pregnant with twins because it was so bad. Here is a look at my night time ritual:
Roll off the couch and slowly make my way upstairs. Promptly lay down on the bed to recover and try not to get sick. Feel better, roll off the bed and make my way into the bathroom. Wash my face and brush my teeth for about 10 seconds before I would start to gag. Run back to the bed and lay down. Not fun.

During that time I remember thinking, that this is it. This is the last time I will ever get pregnant because I cannot imagine going through that again. Thankfully, I slowly started feeling better and by March I was pretty much back to my old self. Now, I feel like I could do this again:)

We decided to find out what we were having. I wanted to wait, but Daddy wanted to find out. He said we had too much to take care of in order to prepare. In the end he won. I knew he wanted another boy because Hannah is his princess and he cannot imagine having another princess to not be able to say no to! However, that just means we get to try one more time! We took the kids with us to the ultrasound. Hannah loved it. She asked so many questions and especially loved hearing the heartbeat. She was very excited to hear she was going to be having a sister. When the tech asked if we had any names picked out the kids were more than happy to share their ideas. Hannah picked Star and Alex said Race Car. After being told by Hannah that Race Car was for a boy not a girl, he quickly replied with "Race Car Lady!" I think we will keep looking.

I am still feeling pretty good. I am past the sickness and not too big and uncomfortable yet. I enjoy feeling this baby move. She is so active! In fact, Hannah felt her kick for the first time on Memorial day. She was so excited! She ran upstairs to tell Daddy and Alex and has often asked to feel her move again. I have noticed that I am carrying her much lower though. With my other two, I always felt like they were in my ribs and their kicks were in the middle of my abdomen. It feels like this girl is using my bladder as a trampoline and her kicks are felt much lower in my abdomen.

I think that is about it for now. We still do not have a name picked out yet. I am open for any suggestions.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Hopes, Dreams and Letting Them Go

This post is sort of two stories mashed together, so I apologize if it gets a little long.

This post has been rambling around in my head for some time. It was a hard one to write as most people do not know the first part of the story. If you are family or a close friend, I apologize for not telling you before this. It is however an awkward subject that I did not know how to bring up. However, looking back I wish I would have told more people so that I would have more support during that time.

It all started in September. September 28th to be exact. That is the day that I had a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited to be expanding our family. I had really hoped with this one that I could have a v-bac so I called a doctor that has researched having v-bacs after 2 c-sections and set up an appointment. For the first few weeks everything was going great. We decided to wait to tell the kids and the majority of our family and friends. I was so surprised that I had not been hit by morning sickness, but I was not complaining. In fact, I think I even thanked the Lord for blessing me with one pregnancy without it!

All of that changed when I woke up October 12. I went to the bathroom and noticed a very small amount of spotting. Telling myself it was nothing to worry about I went back to bed. However, throughout the day the spotting continued to get worse. I tried to call my new doctor's office and couldn't get through so when my husband got home we decided to go to the ER. It was there that my worst fears were confirmed. The baby was gone. He had stopped growing around 3-4 weeks. Right about the time that I found out I was pregnant.

One of the things that still makes me mad about the whole thing was when I went for a follow-up appointment with the new doctor and the ultrasound tech told me that "it wasn't really a baby yet anyway, just a clump of cells." Really! You tell me that, as I am sitting here grieving that I didn't just lose a baby. That it was just a clump of cells. I was so shocked and angry that I couldn't speak. I just sort of looked at her. I wish I would have said something, anything about how that wasn't correct.

Fast forward to January 7. There was a blood drive at our church that weekend, so on Thursday I decided to take a test just to be sure. It was positive and I was ecstatic! However, I was also full of fear. After experiencing that loss, I was so afraid it was going to happen again. I remember praying that I would get morning sickness so I would know everything was okay. (Stupid prayer request!) I was sort of holding my breath for that first 6 weeks. I made it past that, had my first appointment but still couldn't breathe. I was still overcome with fear. I knew of a couple of people who had recently lost their babies at 12 weeks so I felt like I just needed to get past that.

My first appointment came and I had all my previous records for my new doctor so that he could evaluate if I was a good candidate for the v-bac. Unfortunately, Alexander threw a wrench in that plan. Since I was already in labor with him and he was engaged they had a hard time getting him out so they made a vertical incision. A vertical incision increases the chances of rupture so the doctored said without knowing how big that incision was he wouldn't feel comfortable with a v-bac, but ultimately the decision was up to me. I was a little devastated. I really had to wrestle with this decision. I understand the c-section with Hannah, it was needed in order to get her out safely and worth it to have a healthy little girl. With Alex, it is a much different story. I wanted a v-bac with him but the doctor wouldn't let me. I did not have a choice. So when I went into labor on my own I feel like I should have pushed to just let it progress. I was already 4 centimeters when I got checked it with regular contractions and it was over 2 hours before the c-section took place. Looking back I wish I would have asked to be checked again to see if I had progressed anymore. Regardless, he was stuck and they made the vertical incision.

Now it was time to decide. It had been my dream to have a natural childbirth since getting pregnant the first time. Now I had to decide what was worth more; my dream or a healthy baby. How could I possible say that my dream of a chance at a natural childbirth was more important than ensuring the health of my baby. I knew if something were to happen I would not be able to live with myself so I decided to go with another c-section. I figured God had a reason for all of this, maybe my body couldn't handle the v-bac. I had to let go of "my dreams". It was not an easy decision, however I knew it was the right one. So, switched back to my other doctor who was much more personable!

I had to wait until I was almost 16 weeks for my second appointment which seemed like torture. However, it was through that that I realized my fear was taking hold of me. I needed to just let it go and turn my baby over to God. He was in control after all. I wrestled with that on and off over the next couple of weeks until I made the decision that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy. I was so engulfed with fear that I was not enjoying it. That made a big difference. The fear still pops up every now and then, but I think it makes me enjoy the pregnancy even more. I take nothing for granted.

June original due date. I should have a baby in my arms right now. It is hard to picture that. I am sad by the fact that my arms are empty right now, but then I would be choosing that baby over this one. How can I chose that?