Eliza May

Well, like all my kids, Eliza just could not wait to come meet us. Only she was a bit more stubborn than the other two. She made her appearance just one day before her scheduled date. Of course it would turn out that way, now that c-sections are not allowed to be scheduled until 39 weeks. Since my doctor was out of town my section was scheduled on Thursday the 16th of September. She came Wednesday the 15th. That is the longest I have ever been pregnant: 39 weeks and 3 days. I was not happy. I always go early, so the last month of my pregnancy I was waiting because it could be any day now.

I woke up Wednesday morning at 4:30 with contractions and they hurt! I tried switching positions, walking around and taking a shower but nothing eased them. I started timing them and they ranged from 3-5 minutes apart. Which is not a big deal, but when you are a repeat c-section you don't want to labor. I waited until my husbands alarm clock went off around 7 and practically pounced on him. By this time I had my bag packed, written out directions for my mom and was ready to go. Of course he thought I was fine. He didn't want to fight with traffic to get to the hospital so he took his time getting ready. Seriously, he took the time to shave and trim his hair, clip his nails and shower. By this time it is after 8. I finally wake up the kids and get everyone out the door and he decided to stop and get donuts for the kids on the way to his sisters house!

We finally got to the hospital around 9. I had called my doctor at 7, so when we arrived they were waiting on us. Unfortunately by that time they had gotten two more walk-ins ahead of me. That meant that they had to do two c-sections before getting to me and then it was only if they could fit me in before the scheduled ones. The nurse thought I would get in around 11:30 so around 11 Tony decided he better get something to eat before the fun started. One thing he didn't do when he left was take his phone. So guess what? The nurse came in a little after 11 and said that we needed to go now or I would not get in until later that night and where was my husband? We ended up paging him and just heading to the OR.

I was so stressed out that he would not make it in time. I had the worst experience with the spinal. With the other two my nurse was right in my face, holding me and reassuring me that everything was OK. With this one the nurse basically had her back turned to me with one hand on my knee. I was already freaked out because of Tony being MIA and then I kept thinking about what was going on so I ended up jumping and getting "yelled" at. Ooops, not good. Finally, got the spinal in and was all numbed up and still no Tony. Just as the doctor was about to make the first cut, my nurse asked if anyone had seen my husband and if somebody could go looking for him. Just as she said that he walked in. I had such a mixture of relief and wanting to kill him!
One thing I loved about this hospital was that after Eliza was born, they did a quick rub down, wrapped her up and then gave her to Tony so he held her the rest of the time. Then when I went to recovery she got to go with me. I was so excited to have my baby with me and be able to breastfeed right away. After about an hour they sent her to the nursery to get cleaned up and weighed and measured. She ended up weighing 7 pounds 8 ounces and being 21 inches long.Since our parents only live two hours away they were able to make it to the hospital before I went into surgery. They were able to follow Eliza up to the nursery and then stand at the glass and watch her for the next two hours as she was being taken care of. They loved it. My Mom brought Hannah and Alex up a little later and they were smitten
We were all smitten. Welcome to the family Eliza May!

This Pregnancy

In my pitiful blog neglect haze, I realized I have not yet blogged about this pregnancy. Um, I am 25 weeks pregnant.....seriously. Sorry peanut, you know third child and all.

During the first trimester I was so, so sick. Sicker than I have ever been with any of my other pregnancies. So sick that I could not move off of the couch without getting sick. I was so miserable! At first I thought I was pregnant with twins because it was so bad. Here is a look at my night time ritual:
Roll off the couch and slowly make my way upstairs. Promptly lay down on the bed to recover and try not to get sick. Feel better, roll off the bed and make my way into the bathroom. Wash my face and brush my teeth for about 10 seconds before I would start to gag. Run back to the bed and lay down. Not fun.

During that time I remember thinking, that this is it. This is the last time I will ever get pregnant because I cannot imagine going through that again. Thankfully, I slowly started feeling better and by March I was pretty much back to my old self. Now, I feel like I could do this again:)

We decided to find out what we were having. I wanted to wait, but Daddy wanted to find out. He said we had too much to take care of in order to prepare. In the end he won. I knew he wanted another boy because Hannah is his princess and he cannot imagine having another princess to not be able to say no to! However, that just means we get to try one more time! We took the kids with us to the ultrasound. Hannah loved it. She asked so many questions and especially loved hearing the heartbeat. She was very excited to hear she was going to be having a sister. When the tech asked if we had any names picked out the kids were more than happy to share their ideas. Hannah picked Star and Alex said Race Car. After being told by Hannah that Race Car was for a boy not a girl, he quickly replied with "Race Car Lady!" I think we will keep looking.

I am still feeling pretty good. I am past the sickness and not too big and uncomfortable yet. I enjoy feeling this baby move. She is so active! In fact, Hannah felt her kick for the first time on Memorial day. She was so excited! She ran upstairs to tell Daddy and Alex and has often asked to feel her move again. I have noticed that I am carrying her much lower though. With my other two, I always felt like they were in my ribs and their kicks were in the middle of my abdomen. It feels like this girl is using my bladder as a trampoline and her kicks are felt much lower in my abdomen.

I think that is about it for now. We still do not have a name picked out yet. I am open for any suggestions.

Hopes, Dreams and Letting Them Go

This post is sort of two stories mashed together, so I apologize if it gets a little long.

This post has been rambling around in my head for some time. It was a hard one to write as most people do not know the first part of the story. If you are family or a close friend, I apologize for not telling you before this. It is however an awkward subject that I did not know how to bring up. However, looking back I wish I would have told more people so that I would have more support during that time.

It all started in September. September 28th to be exact. That is the day that I had a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited to be expanding our family. I had really hoped with this one that I could have a v-bac so I called a doctor that has researched having v-bacs after 2 c-sections and set up an appointment. For the first few weeks everything was going great. We decided to wait to tell the kids and the majority of our family and friends. I was so surprised that I had not been hit by morning sickness, but I was not complaining. In fact, I think I even thanked the Lord for blessing me with one pregnancy without it!

All of that changed when I woke up October 12. I went to the bathroom and noticed a very small amount of spotting. Telling myself it was nothing to worry about I went back to bed. However, throughout the day the spotting continued to get worse. I tried to call my new doctor's office and couldn't get through so when my husband got home we decided to go to the ER. It was there that my worst fears were confirmed. The baby was gone. He had stopped growing around 3-4 weeks. Right about the time that I found out I was pregnant.

One of the things that still makes me mad about the whole thing was when I went for a follow-up appointment with the new doctor and the ultrasound tech told me that "it wasn't really a baby yet anyway, just a clump of cells." Really! You tell me that, as I am sitting here grieving that I didn't just lose a baby. That it was just a clump of cells. I was so shocked and angry that I couldn't speak. I just sort of looked at her. I wish I would have said something, anything about how that wasn't correct.

Fast forward to January 7. There was a blood drive at our church that weekend, so on Thursday I decided to take a test just to be sure. It was positive and I was ecstatic! However, I was also full of fear. After experiencing that loss, I was so afraid it was going to happen again. I remember praying that I would get morning sickness so I would know everything was okay. (Stupid prayer request!) I was sort of holding my breath for that first 6 weeks. I made it past that, had my first appointment but still couldn't breathe. I was still overcome with fear. I knew of a couple of people who had recently lost their babies at 12 weeks so I felt like I just needed to get past that.

My first appointment came and I had all my previous records for my new doctor so that he could evaluate if I was a good candidate for the v-bac. Unfortunately, Alexander threw a wrench in that plan. Since I was already in labor with him and he was engaged they had a hard time getting him out so they made a vertical incision. A vertical incision increases the chances of rupture so the doctored said without knowing how big that incision was he wouldn't feel comfortable with a v-bac, but ultimately the decision was up to me. I was a little devastated. I really had to wrestle with this decision. I understand the c-section with Hannah, it was needed in order to get her out safely and worth it to have a healthy little girl. With Alex, it is a much different story. I wanted a v-bac with him but the doctor wouldn't let me. I did not have a choice. So when I went into labor on my own I feel like I should have pushed to just let it progress. I was already 4 centimeters when I got checked it with regular contractions and it was over 2 hours before the c-section took place. Looking back I wish I would have asked to be checked again to see if I had progressed anymore. Regardless, he was stuck and they made the vertical incision.

Now it was time to decide. It had been my dream to have a natural childbirth since getting pregnant the first time. Now I had to decide what was worth more; my dream or a healthy baby. How could I possible say that my dream of a chance at a natural childbirth was more important than ensuring the health of my baby. I knew if something were to happen I would not be able to live with myself so I decided to go with another c-section. I figured God had a reason for all of this, maybe my body couldn't handle the v-bac. I had to let go of "my dreams". It was not an easy decision, however I knew it was the right one. So, switched back to my other doctor who was much more personable!

I had to wait until I was almost 16 weeks for my second appointment which seemed like torture. However, it was through that that I realized my fear was taking hold of me. I needed to just let it go and turn my baby over to God. He was in control after all. I wrestled with that on and off over the next couple of weeks until I made the decision that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy. I was so engulfed with fear that I was not enjoying it. That made a big difference. The fear still pops up every now and then, but I think it makes me enjoy the pregnancy even more. I take nothing for granted.

June 6....my original due date. I should have a baby in my arms right now. It is hard to picture that. I am sad by the fact that my arms are empty right now, but then I would be choosing that baby over this one. How can I chose that?