Hopes, Dreams and Letting Them Go

This post is sort of two stories mashed together, so I apologize if it gets a little long.

This post has been rambling around in my head for some time. It was a hard one to write as most people do not know the first part of the story. If you are family or a close friend, I apologize for not telling you before this. It is however an awkward subject that I did not know how to bring up. However, looking back I wish I would have told more people so that I would have more support during that time.

It all started in September. September 28th to be exact. That is the day that I had a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited to be expanding our family. I had really hoped with this one that I could have a v-bac so I called a doctor that has researched having v-bacs after 2 c-sections and set up an appointment. For the first few weeks everything was going great. We decided to wait to tell the kids and the majority of our family and friends. I was so surprised that I had not been hit by morning sickness, but I was not complaining. In fact, I think I even thanked the Lord for blessing me with one pregnancy without it!

All of that changed when I woke up October 12. I went to the bathroom and noticed a very small amount of spotting. Telling myself it was nothing to worry about I went back to bed. However, throughout the day the spotting continued to get worse. I tried to call my new doctor's office and couldn't get through so when my husband got home we decided to go to the ER. It was there that my worst fears were confirmed. The baby was gone. He had stopped growing around 3-4 weeks. Right about the time that I found out I was pregnant.

One of the things that still makes me mad about the whole thing was when I went for a follow-up appointment with the new doctor and the ultrasound tech told me that "it wasn't really a baby yet anyway, just a clump of cells." Really! You tell me that, as I am sitting here grieving that I didn't just lose a baby. That it was just a clump of cells. I was so shocked and angry that I couldn't speak. I just sort of looked at her. I wish I would have said something, anything about how that wasn't correct.

Fast forward to January 7. There was a blood drive at our church that weekend, so on Thursday I decided to take a test just to be sure. It was positive and I was ecstatic! However, I was also full of fear. After experiencing that loss, I was so afraid it was going to happen again. I remember praying that I would get morning sickness so I would know everything was okay. (Stupid prayer request!) I was sort of holding my breath for that first 6 weeks. I made it past that, had my first appointment but still couldn't breathe. I was still overcome with fear. I knew of a couple of people who had recently lost their babies at 12 weeks so I felt like I just needed to get past that.

My first appointment came and I had all my previous records for my new doctor so that he could evaluate if I was a good candidate for the v-bac. Unfortunately, Alexander threw a wrench in that plan. Since I was already in labor with him and he was engaged they had a hard time getting him out so they made a vertical incision. A vertical incision increases the chances of rupture so the doctored said without knowing how big that incision was he wouldn't feel comfortable with a v-bac, but ultimately the decision was up to me. I was a little devastated. I really had to wrestle with this decision. I understand the c-section with Hannah, it was needed in order to get her out safely and worth it to have a healthy little girl. With Alex, it is a much different story. I wanted a v-bac with him but the doctor wouldn't let me. I did not have a choice. So when I went into labor on my own I feel like I should have pushed to just let it progress. I was already 4 centimeters when I got checked it with regular contractions and it was over 2 hours before the c-section took place. Looking back I wish I would have asked to be checked again to see if I had progressed anymore. Regardless, he was stuck and they made the vertical incision.

Now it was time to decide. It had been my dream to have a natural childbirth since getting pregnant the first time. Now I had to decide what was worth more; my dream or a healthy baby. How could I possible say that my dream of a chance at a natural childbirth was more important than ensuring the health of my baby. I knew if something were to happen I would not be able to live with myself so I decided to go with another c-section. I figured God had a reason for all of this, maybe my body couldn't handle the v-bac. I had to let go of "my dreams". It was not an easy decision, however I knew it was the right one. So, switched back to my other doctor who was much more personable!

I had to wait until I was almost 16 weeks for my second appointment which seemed like torture. However, it was through that that I realized my fear was taking hold of me. I needed to just let it go and turn my baby over to God. He was in control after all. I wrestled with that on and off over the next couple of weeks until I made the decision that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy. I was so engulfed with fear that I was not enjoying it. That made a big difference. The fear still pops up every now and then, but I think it makes me enjoy the pregnancy even more. I take nothing for granted.

June 6....my original due date. I should have a baby in my arms right now. It is hard to picture that. I am sad by the fact that my arms are empty right now, but then I would be choosing that baby over this one. How can I chose that?

Wow!

Hi! Remember me? I know it has been a LONG time. I really do not have an excuse other than we were busy enjoying our summer and I kind of hit a blogging funk. Sorry I neglected you so long;)
There is so much to update, so I am going to have a list on here and cross it out/link to the posts over the next few days weeks!

• Hannah's trip to see Dr. Pauli
• Hannah's birthday post
• Birthday party
• Hannah's first loose tooth
• Trip to the zoo/stroller
• Alexander's birthday post
• Face painting

Hmm, that is all I can think of for now. I know not much content on this post! It is a start though.

Just Had to Share

I thought that this was so funny that I just had to share it with you all! Since we have experienced a heat wave the past few days Hubby has been complaining that he couldn't find any type of sandal. He thought for sure that they were buried somewhere in the basement where he would not be able to find them until summer was over. I knew that I remembered seeing them since we moved and I also knew that I should probably look for them for him. However, I never did and when we were out shopping last night he bought two new pairs.

Imagine my surprise when I was putting away laundry today and looked down and saw this:
Upon further inspection this is what I found. Not one, but two pairs of sandals! Hahaha.

In his defense there was a towel that somehow missed the laundry basket laying over the shoes that were blocking them. Other than that I did not move a thing! Hilarious. Love ya Babe!

I'm Laughing On the Inside

Operation make the backyard beautiful is underway, sort of. See this pile of dirt?
We also have a pile of mulch AND some stone coming. Although I am not sure where the stone is going to go. Hubby planned this without my input. The funny part about it is that all of this is in the driveway in the front yard. All of it (except some of the mulch) is going into the backyard. Hubby had a grand plan of them driving through the empty lot behind our house and dropping it off in the backyard. Unfortunately for him it has been raining nonstop the past few days. Which means that the mulch company could not drive through the empty lot in fear of getting stuck. So, now my dear sweet hubby, has to move all of this by wheelbarrow. Poor guy.

Seriously though, we are going to be doing a lot of work the next couple of days on our backyard. When it stops raining I will take some before pictures. We will be getting rid of the rickety step and replacing them with some concrete ones, laying a patio and building a flower garden. As well as getting rid of all of the dandelions that have taken up residence in the yard. Eventually we will be putting up a fence. That is after the HOA approves the aforementioned fence.

Thankfully the front yard doesn't need much work. We are just going to put in some sort of edging around the current flowerbed. Then plant some flowers and throw some mulch on the flowerbed and ta-da.

We'll see how much we can get accomplished this weekend. I will be sure to take lots and lots of pictures. After all I am the landscape designer, supervisor and photographer...

Almost Caught Up

If you are on facebook at all you have no doubt heard me complain about the amount of laundry I have. We are a family of four, with two small children, how can we possibly have so much laundry? Here is some proof about how much laundry we go through. Mind you some of this is leftover from last week that I was too lazy busy to fold!
Amazing isn't it? Guess what? This isn't even all of it! There is still a load in the washer and one in the dryer! Sigh, it never ends does it?

I thought I would give you the view from all sides, just for a little perspective.

Can you believe I just devoted an entire post to how much laundry I have? Just keepin' it real folks, just keepin' it real.

Shrink Into Summer!

Did you notice my button on the sidebar? I have taken the plunge, time to get serious about my weight loss (and lose my muffin top). I need something to keep me on task so I decided to join the Sisterhood. It is a group of people all trying to lose the extra weight. I don't think there is a better way to do it!

Throughout the weeks there are mini challenges. This weeks challenge was hula hoop on the wii fit. Not just any hula, but the 10 minute hula! Whoever has the highest score wins! Side note: Have you tried it? Seriously, try it!! It is a great workout. They are getting ready to start a 30 Day Shred challenge as well. Consider joining the Sisterhood if you are trying to lose a little (or a lot) of weight.

Now, onto my progress. I have lost 0 lbs. Of course I just joined this weekend, so I didn't expect to see any loss. Especially since my Mom was here this weekend and I ate a lot of food! However, I have started my 5k training and now I am accountable for my weight so....hopefully next week there will be a difference in my numbers.

I Might Have Gotten a Little Carried Away

Recently I have been looking at pictures from last summer and thinking how handsome Zander looked with shorter hair. I have been debating getting his hair cut, but I just hate paying so much for a boys haircut or trim. I had a great girl up north that would cut the kids hair for a very reasonable price, but just haven't found anyone down here yet.

Today, I thought to myself, was a great day to "trim" Zander's hair. The back was starting to look like a mullet and his bangs were in his eyes. It started off simple enough and then as I went on I decided it would look better shorter. Clippers. That was the logical solution. I used to cut Bologna's hair back in his Corps day when he had to have a fresh haircut every week. We usually used a 3 on top and then blended the bottom with a 2, 1 and no shield.

I thought that surely a 5 on top would be plenty long. Maybe, it is the blond hair or maybe I just got carried away but his hair is so short!
Oh, well. He is still adorable. At least in my humble opinion!

Some Much Needed Motivation

Well, I did it. I signed up for my first 5K. I started "training" the first of the year. However, I hit a slump at the beginning of this month. I was really busy the first couple of weeks and somehow running got pushed to the back burner. Then, after those few weeks I lost all motivation to run. I decided it was time that I do something drastic, so I signed up for the Race for the Cure. Now, I have to get myself in gear or face the embarrassment of dying during the run!

It is on May 16, so that gives me almost 9 weeks to get ready. My goal is to run it in 30 minutes, but we will see how that goes. I have yet to run outside, so I'm not sure how that will work out either! I really want one of these to help me track my runs, but we'll see. For now, it will be just me and the treadmill until I figure out a route.

What Were We Thinking?

Hannah has been BEGGING for a puppy and I mean BEGGING! So, last night we decided to go look at some dogs. Just to look and pet and so forth. However, somehow a few crocodile tears later, we managed to come home with the newest member of our family. Meet Fuzzy Bones:
Yes, that is his name; Fuzzy Bones! Hannah got to pick it because she really wanted a chihuahua and I did not so we compromised and she got to pick the name. He is a mutt Peekapoo , meaning he was intentionally "mixed" between a Pekingese and Toy Poodle.

Hopefully, he won't get much bigger. Also, hopefully he won't shed! He is a little cutie who has already stolen our hearts, but I kind of forgot how much work a puppy is!!! We are off to the store to buy the puppy essentials. One chew toy just isn't enough and if he chews my new furniture (to be delivered Saturday, yay!) he will quickly become an outdoor dog.

My Birthday

Sorry to keep you all waiting about my BIG surprise! It was amazing!! Before we arrived at our first destination, I had all these scenarios in my head. One included a couples massage (which we didn't get) another included some of his friends (which thankfully they were not involved). So, I was pleasantly surprised by what we did do. It WAS an overnight stay, which was much needed and he managed to keep the whole thing a secret until we pulled into the hotel parking lot. Although he did tell me that we were staying overnight somewhere, so that I could pack an overnight bag. However, somehow in all of my excitement I managed to forget most of my toiletries. That's right, no deodorant or toothbrush for me! How romantic.

In case you were wondering, we stayed here and ate here.

ANTICIPATION!

Wednesday is my birthday, I think. Yep, just checked the calender and it's on Wednesday. (You know when your birthday falls during the middle of the week, you don't actually celebrate it on that day so it's easy to lose track of the days. Anyway, so Wednesday is my birthday and for what is probably the. First. Time. Ever. Tony has kept my presents a surprise!

A little background information. First of all, Tony hates surprises. He is one of the hardest people to buy for because if he didn't ask for it, chances are he won't like it. This makes it very hard to surprise him because he gives very specific lists. I think that because he is this way, it makes it hard for him to keep my gifts a secret. Either that or he just loves me sooo much that he just can't contain himself. It could be either or. Secondly, he is not much of a planner when it comes to us having a date night. Usually I am the one making the plans, you know securing a babysitter, deciding where to go etc.

So, without sounding like a spoiled brat, back to the real story, my surprise. I know it's something big because he has his Mom coming down to babysit. I'm thinking it just HAS to be an overnight trip. Otherwise he would have just asked his sister to babysit. That is where the anticipation comes into play. I am a bit worried that I am looking to much into this. I don't want to be disappointed when I find out what the surprise really is. Especially since it is not like him to do the planning. I have made up my mind that no matter what, I will NOT be disappointed. I do have to give him props, because he wasn't even going to tell me that his Mom was coming, until I started making other plans. Also, he has other gifts for me that I don't know about! I am so shocked!! I am a little bummed that I know something is going on, but since I don't know exactly what it is I am still pretty excited.

Football Game

How can Zander go from being so sweet and angelic:

to throwing a huge tantrum?

Easy take away his football game.


Since we watch a lot of football in this house, it as no surprise when Alex started calling everything to do with football "football game." A helmet is a football game, a football is a football game. Everything is a football game. Since we moved he has become really attached to a particular blanket. More specifically the tag on the blanket. He drags this thing around everywhere. When he is holding onto it and looking for his tag he sings "mytag, mytag, mytag!" He calls it his football game well, because it has a football on it. Obviously since he drags it around it gets pretty dirty so I have to wash it a lot. Hence the problem. Last week when I washed he he threw the biggest fit. Crying and screaming "I. WANT. MY. FOOTBALL GAME!" I tried giving him a different blanket, but he just threw it down and said "NO! I DON'T LIKE IT!" Fun times!

The next time I tried a different approach. I told him that I needed a big helper to help me with the laundry. Could he please help me? He was so excited that he didn't even realize we were washing his beloved football game. Crisis averted this week.

On a different but somewhat related subject I need help! Since before Christmas Zander has been waking up at night. Sometimes it is just once a night and other times it is multiple times! Usually, he wakes up and walks into our room. He (usually) doesn't cry, just comes to our room. I pick him up and lay him back down and that is that. However, sometimes he cries and screams and won't lay back down. It is a constant I lay him down, he gets up and repeat 20 times. I try not to talk to him, or give in when he asks for chocolate milk. Although, sometimes I am soooo tired that I feel like it is easier to just give him the milk rather then fighting it.

I do not know where this is coming from or how to stop it. Please give me your best advice. We are pretty tired over here because even though he is waking up multiple times that doesn't mean he is sleeping in. Nope, not my boy. He is usually up about the time Daddy gets up.

TAG

Here are the rules:

1. Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer. No cheating {cropping, editing, etc.}!
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder.
3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same.

Since I can't follow the rules here are my pictures!

Ok, so it wasn't exactly the fourth folder, but the fourth folder was boring. So I went to the fourth Hannah folder. It was Tony's birthday in 2005. He had just returned from Iraq a few weeks prior. We went to the beach in the evening and took a ton of pictures of Hannah using different settings on the camera. This one is "Holding the Sun."

Here is the fourth picture from Alex's beach folder. Again, Tony had just returned from Iraq and we went to the beach for a day of fun while it was still warm.

Finally, here is the real fourth folder, fourth picture:
Marine Corps Ball 2005. Tony posing with our friend Matt.

I'm not sure who has/hasn't been tagged! So, if you have already been tagged, sorry. I tag Destini, Lisa, Mike, and Emily.

Just One of Those Days

This past weekend was kind of a "relaxing" weekend. I decided that I was going to take the day off on Saturday and not do any housework. Which was great, for the day, but come Sunday the house was disastrous. Which caused me more stress then what my "day off" was worth.

Anyway, back to Saturday. My day of rest ended up turning into a day of stress. On Friday night my nieces and nephew spent the night. The kids had so much fun, but got little sleep. They stayed up way past bedtime and got up extremely early. Which is what a sleepover is all about. However, that makes for a very cranky two year old. It messed up his entire schedule. Nap-time came too early, so by late afternoon he was Mr. Cranky. He was crying and whining about everything! I was at my wits end. I was counting down the hours until bedtime. I had planned on putting them to bed extra early and playing some Wii picking up a bit. However, my plan was foiled.
I found this pile of bodies at 7:00 P.M. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that if I let them nap they would not go to bed...but. But, it was quiet! There was no crying or whining or complaining. It had just been one of those days where I could not take it any longer. So I let them sleep.

Of course, when it was time for bed neither one of them were tired. That is why I was still putting a mad Zander back into his bed every two minutes and rubbing Tater's back in between at 11:00. Three hours past bedtime. Oh, what one little nap at the wrong time can do.

Are You Sick of This Yet?

If not, then I'm sure you will be after this post! I am a bit excited about this room because it is Zander's first REAL room. So, I took a lot of pictures. Mainly all of the pictures are for the grandparents so that they can see all of the details of Zander's room.

First, I want to give you the back story. When Zander was born we were living in NC in a smaller house. At the time I wanted itty-bitty Zander to be in our room, so he slept in a cradle in our room. Then Tony left for Iraq and we moved up to OH where the kids and I shared a room at my Mom's house (crazy I know). When Tony got home and we moved back to NC Zander got into his "own room." However his room was also the office and by this time we knew we would be moving soon so we did not decorate his room at all. However, for Christmas, his grandparents bought him a bunch of jungle decor for his room. Then we moved to OH and again we knew where we were staying was not a permanent place so we did not decorate. Finally, we moved and my two year old "baby" gets his first room! So, even though I kind of wanted to do something a little more grown-up, we already had all of the stuff for a jungle room. It doesn't matter because he really loves his animals.

Without further ado, here is his room:
The brown is not showing up as the actual color. It is more of a chocolate brown and not so much orange. Here is a close-up shot of his giraffe:

Close-up of elephant:

Close-up of zebra and dresser with the vine that hubs hung. (I'm not sure how I feel about it yet):

Monkey and window:

His toy box:

View from other side of the room:

From the other corner:

Hey, wait a minute! Who snuck into the shot. We better take a closer look:

What a ham!

From the front porch looking in

Here is a partial tour of our:

Here is the view from the front door looking upstairs.

A view from the front door looking in. On the left is the half bath, the right is a closet, entry to garage and basement. Of course looking straight is the eat-in area.

The front room, with the red wall, is currently empty (for the most part). So I won't show many pictures of that just yet. However, here is Tater showing off her new scooter.

And here is the shrine that hubs built of himself. LOL!

Here is a view of the kitchen and eat-in area. There are two closets to the left. The door that is visible is the pantry, and to the left of that is another one (you can kind of see the bottom of it) which we are using for storage.

Here is a closer view of my beautiful new appliances. Speaking of which does anybody have any good tricks on how to keep stainless looking good? I have noticed it shows a lot of smudges and fingerprints. Also, the crockpot holds supper....taco soup, yummy!

The eat-in area leads into the living room. The living room holds the floor that we replaced.

Here is a closer look at the fireplace. I just love having fires in the evening, so cozy and warm!

We have not even begun to decorate yet. We just hung up pictures yesterday, and now I need to do some shopping for the actual decorating. Any suggestions on what to fill my empty front room with? Or what would look good hanging on the green wall? Our what color to accent that room with? What I really need is a decorator to come and help me.

Happy New Year

Boy 2008 quite the year! I'm going to do my best to recall some of the years highlights.

January: Tony was honorably discharged from the Marine Corps. We were alternating staying with my parents and in-laws in Ohio waiting for our house to sell. It actually sold towards the end of January.

February: I celebrated my 27th birthday. This was a big month for Hannah, she started taking dance classes and pooping on the big girl potty. We also closed on our house in North Carolina and officially moved to Ohio on the 22nd.

March: Kind of a slow month for us. Alex finally got his first haircut, getting rid of the mullet that he was sporting. Our niece Leah was also born in March.

April: I found Tonya's blog and contacted her. We ended up driving to Michigan for a little party and met some wonderful families.

May: I finally finished my degree!!!! Hannah had her dance recital.

June: Quite a busy month for us. We went to the LPA convention, while we were there Tony got a job!!! He also bought a motorcycle towards the end of the month. We went on a family vacation to the OBX, where Alex learned to "swim" by himself. My credit card was stolen.

July: Hannah turned 4! Hubs and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary. Hubs "moved" to Columbus and started his job. We started the LONG process of house hunting.

August: Another slow month. We spent a lot of time at my in-laws swimming. We did some major house hunting and I was adjusting to being a "single" parent.

September: Tony turned 28. My sister got engaged.

October: Alex turns 2!! Our offer was accepted on the house. We had another party up at Tonya's and met the Hedgers. We celebrated my Grandparents 60th anniversary.

November: There was a lot of waiting on the house. We finally closed on the 24th, and moved the weekend of the 28th.

December: Mostly spent unpacking and settling in our new house.

Word of Advice

Yeah, I know I suck already! Sorry it has taken me so long to update. Geesh, I said I would be MIA for the next couple of weeks. Alright so five or six weeks might be a little longer than a couple but whatever. It has been pretty eventful around here. Not to mention that moving between Thanksgiving and Christmas has got to be the worst time to move. EVER. So, just a word to the wise, if you are planning to move in the future, try to avoid the holiday season.

So, what have I been up to. Well we moved the weekend of Thanksgiving. That week was spent unpacking and unpacking some more. We also laid a floor, got appliances, and hung at least 15 light fixtures. We bought a live tree and decorated it, only to have it come crashing down the very next day and smash some of my favorite ornaments. Bah! Our basement flooded on the 19th, on the 20th we had a Christmas party, on the 21st I started painting Alex's room and Alex got sick. (Have you ever tried to paint a room with a sick two year old? Not fun.) So that was a really great weekend. Alex was sick for three days, but thankfully nobody else contracted his plague and we had no sickness for Christmas! We had five Christmas gatherings mixed in that as well.

So, I found myself having no energy to blog. Normally I blog when the kids are asleep, but with all the unpacking and organizing I have been doing there just was not time. So now that things are starting to settle down, I should resume my normal posting schedule. Hopefully soon I will have up a Christmas post and some pictures of the new house.

It's getting closer...

Because I wouldn't want to forget them!!!

I might be MIA around here for the next couple of weeks, you know with trying to move and all. Right now my house is filled with boxes, most of them empty. So, yeah I really need to get busy. However, for some reason I cannot seem to get much done during the day. Hmmm, not really sure why. Oh right, because of two small "helpers".

Also, I updated my blogroll, please let me know if I forgot someone. There are so many blogs these days that it is hard to keep up with them all.

Freedom is NOT Free

Happy Veterans Day. Although, I think that statement contradicts itself. How can somebody be happy that they are a veteran? That they fought in a war? So, I guess the proper thing to say would be: thank you. Thank you to those past and present for serving our country. Thank you for giving up your "freedoms" so that we can all continue to enjoy ours. Thank you to all of the faithful wives/husbands of veterans for proudly standing by your solider.

On this day, we remember those who have served and who are currently serving. I for one am grateful for your service. I just don't think that thank you covers it.

The HOTTEST of them all ;)